must i plead a donkey times before you will do what i pleaded ?
must i beg ?
why cant you just show me your picture ?
i also wont laugh ..
now than you let me see ..
i dont even want to see it anymore ..
after begging so many days ..
you showed it to me when i least wanted to see it ..
haiis ..
i wont even mind your looks ..
when i was at my busiest ..
you showed me ..
i didnt even want to look at it ..

from today on ..
i wont beg you for anything ..
either i plead with you once or
i ask you and you say you dont have , i'll not ask you again ..

thats that .

haiis ..
accepted ..
but he doesnt seem to make an effort to understand me ..
he like .. doesnt care ..
he keep wanting to call me ..
but my parents are at home ..
they will ask me who is that ..
can he understand that ?
haiis ..
he doesnt even make an effort to try to understand ..
he just want to keep calling ..
dont want to talk about this anymore ..


yesterday ..
i was really depressed !
and my friend ..
she told me that she can listen to me ..
understands me ..
and will always be there for me ..
but than ..
when i went abit more sad ..
she was like .. angry ..
haiis ..

there aint such a thing as promises ..
there aint such a thing as true love ..
there aint such a thing as forever happiness ..
there aint such a thing as 'i will always be here for you' ..
there aint such a thing as 'i understand you well' ..
there aint such a thing as 'i love you' ..
there aint such a thing as good guys on this earth ..

chatting in msn ..
feel as though i'm cheating myself ..
feel as though i'm cheapening myself ..
feel terrible ..
tired ..
arghs ..

hmms ..
should i accept ?
should i decline ?
what should i do ?
shawn want to stead with me again ..
i dont know to believe him or not ..
he said it will be a real one ..
i dont know ..
hmms~
thinking~
going to lanjut already than still have to think ..
hahs ..
hmms ..
should i ?
people reading , please give comments ..
he seems sincere ..

ohh yeah !
got once i talked to a teacher ..
she said dont date guys too fast ..
must wait and observe ..

half of my heart wants to follow my teacher's advice ..
the other half wants to go with him ..
what should i do ?

headache ~

relaxed~
finally settled the lanjut and shawn's problem ..
*woooo*
today in school is boring ..
*yawns*
haiis
so boring
den keep wanting to sleep ..
watching 'wonderful life'
MUST WATCH ..
so funny ..
LOL
=DD

does it mean if we different group as our good/best friends means we hate them ?
no !
it just means that we need to have some breathing space ..
we need to have some space for ourselves ..
than they already told us beforehand ..
than you came ..
we copromised and let you in ..
but now can only four people ..
so of cuz first come first served ..
=.=
haiis ..
headache ..

woohoo ..
i feel free ..
just dont know why ..
maybe cause i broke up with my boyfriend .. =))
i listened to ms george's advice ..
i will not have any more relati0nships until sec two ..
=))

everytime hear this song ..
than dont know why feel so sad ..
like want to cry ..
but of cause i wont ..
nothing to cry about than cry for what ..
crazy ..
=.=
lols ..
call myself crazy ..

i wish we could return back to the days ..
when we were carefree and naive ..
when we still didnt know anything about life ..
our minds were only filled with playing ..
with fun ..
didnt know anything ..
just fun ..
now ..
its just too late ..

i aint blaming her ..
i'm blaming myself ..
so being so .. so .. ugly ..
as i told my friends before ..
the reason guys say she's nicer is cause ,
i'm just an ugly duckling trying to be a swan ,
while she is already a swan ..
i'm just a idiot to have hope that people would say me ..
hahs ..

well ..
once a idiot always a idiot ..

when she stepped into the neoprint shop , i actually felt happy .
i didnt know what was coming to get me .
i didnt know what all the guys would say .
after that , i finally felt the true meaning of being recjected , being hurled critisms at and being hurt ..
sometimes , i felt like my confidence was being crushed , again and again ..
sometimes i felt like my whole life is crashing down on me ..
sometimes i manage to get back on my feet ,
sometimes , i lie on the floor , crushed , hoping someone would come and pick me up ..
but i know .. thats just my wishful thinking ..
it'll never come true ..

james was online ..
i cant forget him ..
his messages , still etched deeply in my mind ..
if anyone has any way to forget a person , please tell me ..
he have a girlfriend .. shimin ..
shimin shimin shimin ..
when i saw his display name , i felt a mixture of emotions ..
i felt helpless , sad , crushed and happy ..
all at the same time ..
i felt helpless cause i knew there would be no one to help me up anymore ..
sad cause he really meant to break with me on july ..
crushed cause he managed to find a gf so quickly while i cant ..
happy cause he has found his happiness ..
seeing him happy , i should feel happy too ..
but i dont know why , i'm having alot of feelings ..
all jumbled up ..

yun ting , yes , i'm still depressed .. you asked me this question today ..
and this is my answer ..

i may look happy ..
but looks aint everything ..

i love myself
i hate you

do euu even noe how hurt euu made me feel wen euu told me the left one in the pic is nicer ?
do euu noe , cuz of wad euu said , i cried ?
do euu noe dat a gal is v sensative abt her image ?
euu ruined my life !
i hate all guys in this world !
none of them are good !
all the good ones are dead !
all the perverted , and hurtful ones left !
i hate euu all !why muz euu all treat me lyk dis ..
i can admit dat i'm ugly .
but i dunn see any difference between the both of us .
i hate this fucking bloody world .

some people wanted to read about the folder 'my past' in my hp ..
well , i'm typing it out here ..

15 september 2006
yesterday james messaged me ..
i thought he wanted to patch !
but he didn't ..
he told me he have a gf ..
how i wish he have a gf ..
i wish he would go back with me ..

13 september 2006
i'm not a robot ..
i'm a human too ..
i have feelings too ..
so why must you all treat me like i am a robot ?
just what did i do wrong again ?
doesnt mean i dont cry in front of you people means i am a robot and you can bully !
sometimes i really hate myself and this world ..

23 august 2006
today , i saw james going online ..
the first thing i asked myself was that whether he still liked me ..
but after i saw his display name 'male pikachu love female pikachu',
i knew he didnt like me anymore and he really meant to break on july ..
how i wished i've cherished the moments i had with him ..
although it was only sms , we had fun ..
now whats left are the memories ..

20 august 2006
i smile , i laugh , i stay happy for you all everyday ..
and in return , i just want you all to be my friends ..
is that too much to ask for ?
yeah .. i smile everyday ..
i make jokes everyday ..
but that doesnt make me a happy person inside ..
i'm like a clown , just there to make you all happy , hardly showing my true feelings ..
i'm depressed ..
but i still try my best to make you people laugh everyday ..
i really try my best ..
i really do ..

19 august 2006
why must i always be the one who say sorry ?
why must i always be the one who say its my fault ?
sometimes its not even my fault ..
what did i do to deserve this ?
why must i be the one admitting to other people's mistake ?
just what did i do wrong ...?

19 august 2006
i'm just asking for a person to lend me his/her shoulder to cry on ..
is that too much to ask for ?
sometimes i wish i'm a computer , so that i'll have an erasable memory ..
i dont wish to remember the past anymore ..
i dont want to be depressed ..
i want to be normal ..

19 august 2006
sometimes , i just feel like crying my heart out ..
i'm those type of people who try not to cry in front of other ..
i'm those type who prove that i'm strong ..
but sometimes ..i cant control my tears ..
when i cry , i always hope that someone would be caring enough to comfort me ..
but in my 12 years , hardly anyone conforted me ..
everyone has this thinking that when someone cries , it means that they want to be left alone ..
well , its different for me ..
when i cry , i need a shoulder to lean on ..
if not why would i make so many friends ?
but , unfortunately , none of them lend me their shoulder before ..
i know i'm a failure , but you people dont have to treat me like this ..
please dont ..

19 august 2006
you all have a sort of counceller or something ..
but me ?
who do i turn to when i have problems ?
myself .
no one knows my problems ..
some people know ..
but those are unimportant ..
no one knows whats really hurting me ..

10 august 2006
to you , the cuts on my hand mean nothing ..
to me , its by cutting myself to force not to shed another tear for anyone in this world ..
it also symbolises that i'm tough , that i can handle even the toughest things and not cry ..
its also proves to me that i'm somebody , not a nobody ..
its to make me feel that i'm strong , not weak as i am now ..
in short , i just want to feel useful , not useless like now ..